I saw this dress in the window of a boutique on my way home the other night. I think the place is called ‘Whence’ or ‘Whilst’ or ‘Mayhap’. This is one of those stores that has about six garments in it and two female employees who just loathe people. That kind of give-your-life-meaning loathing that’s so popular these days. The loathing that burns hotter than a thousand Blackberry screens. The infinite, cyclical loathing of frenemies. They correctly assume that you can’t afford anything in the joint and that you are there to either 1) shoplift or 2) annoy the unholy shit out of them by “just looking”.
Anyway, I couldn’t help but notice this nightmare. Do y’all see the flaps positioned oh-so-conveniently over the breasticles? Giant flaps. As a woman who owns some pretty sizable boobies, I can tell you that this dress is a joke. Anybody with a B-cup up will look like “Dolly Parton: The Inflatable Raft: The Movie”. Even if you are one of my bugbite sisters, do not purchase this abomination. Everyone will know what you’re up to. Not one living person will be fooled by these flaps; not even a man. Go get yourself one of those super low-cut tops that say, “Hey, I don’t have any boobies but have you seen my sternum?” That’s a hot look, for serious. And one I can never wear. Let me live vicariously through you, Kate Hudson-type. (God, I loathe her.)