The Royal Wedding
By Dana Quercioli
The Royal Wedding is upon us, and as excitement builds for the people of England, the royal family, and most especially, Prince William and Kate Middleton, I can’t help but let a thought pass through my mind that I feel most American’s are sharing right now. This couple, this glorious, stately, resplendent couple is about to embark on a lifetime of royal love, all I can think is: who cares? Are they in love? Sure! To hear the beginnings of their story, it sounds not unlike any relationship that you or I might engage in. They have been involved since 2001, when they were flat-mates at university, and sparks started to fly. They began dating and things were going along so well until they broke up, supposedly because the prince wanted to capitalize on the fact that he’s both a good-looking prince, and in the royal military. Do British soldiers go on weekend leave to whorehouses, or are they too polite for that? Regardless, Wills and Kate got back together and they’ve been living in a fairy tale ever since. It was a whirlwind romance that clocked in at about ten years to result in a wedding. What’s not to like about a handsome prince? Except, don’t think about that question too hard, because you’ll start to come up with answers.
It’s easy to assume that because I’m not married, or even in the realm of possibly being close to going on a date in public with someone, that jealousy abounds. To that I answer, ok, maybe. Maaaaaaybe I’m a little bit jealous that Kate Middleton goes to school and ends up being flat-mates with Prince Fucking William. The three roommates I was assigned to my freshman year used to lie about when they were eating at the dining commons so as not to share a meal with me. But Kate’s life is about to change in an epic way. It will change so dramatically that she has to take classes to prepare for it, have consultants, advisors, press secretaries, guards and everything else that happened in The Princess Diaries, except she won’t get to do any of it with Julie Andrews.
There was an article on Yahoo news that listed a few of the things that would be changing for Kate after she and the prince are married on the 29th of April. Some of them are minor, like, after she becomes a princess and or/a duchess should William be given a dukedom, she can’t vote or run for political office. No big deal. Who really intended for a woman to do those things anyway? It’s not like there was a giant women’s movement in England to fight for these rights like there was here in America. Oh, wait, I saw Mary Poppins, there totally was. Remember, women’s suffrage is one of the reasons the Banks family had to bring in Mary Poppins in the first place, played of course, by Julie Andrews.
After the wedding, she will henceforth be known as Her Royal Highness the Princess William of Wales, or Catherine. So, one title removes any trace of her old name, the other makes it seem like she’s constantly in trouble. AND! These are actual rules here, she’s never going to be served shellfish or hold a job. The hits just keep on coming. Her life will be a lily-white shadow of what it used to be. Nothing exciting can happen in this poor girl’s life (except becoming a princess). Controversy and adventure, a night of frivolity with her girlfriends, and all-you-can-eat crab legs are a thing of the past. A life of tight, crisp waves to obsessed housewives, teen girls, and gay men who wait to see her, is what she has to look forward to. There is a rule among royals and their guests that when the queen is done eating, so are you. If she places her fork down on the table, everyone else has to stop eating. So from here on out, this girl can’t even finish whatever beans or meat-pie dinner she’s been presented with. There is no Julie Andrews movie about this.
People say that there are always trade offs in any relationship. But this is different than most. Never being able to sign anything unofficial, go by your real name, get a job, vote, or finish a god-damned meal is a little more extreme than having to sit through Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps because that’s what your boyfriend wanted to watch. There’s a big, BIG difference.
Yes, this is a fairy tale story. A common girl catches the prince’s eye, they fall in love, get married and live happily ever after. Like princess Diana did. And Fergie. The Black Eyed Pea, NOT the former Duchess of York. Does living happily ever after for female British royalty mean that they have to put a giant hat on their heads, a sensible suit or frock on their bodies, and a large piece of tape over their mouths? Truly only Catherine, her royal highness the princess William of Wales will know for sure. Until then, pass the shellfish, and make it quick, because I’m going to be late for work.