We’re back after a little break. You missed us.

Podcast Episode 2!  Can you believe it?  You can.  Guest Starring Carol Doyle, Tina Quercioli and Josephine Lococo.  

Knives don’t cut people. People cut people.

Dana Quercioli

San Romano Coffee Audition.  Fail.  

The Royal Wedding

By Dana Quercioli

The Royal Wedding is upon us, and as excitement builds for the people of England, the royal family, and most especially, Prince William and Kate Middleton, I can’t help but let a thought pass through my mind that I feel most American’s are sharing right now. This couple, this glorious, stately, resplendent couple is about to embark on a lifetime of royal love, all I can think is: who cares? Are they in love? Sure! To hear the beginnings of their story, it sounds not unlike any relationship that you or I might engage in. They have been involved since 2001, when they were flat-mates at university, and sparks started to fly. They began dating and things were going along so well until they broke up, supposedly because the prince wanted to capitalize on the fact that he’s both a good-looking prince, and in the royal military. Do British soldiers go on weekend leave to whorehouses, or are they too polite for that? Regardless, Wills and Kate got back together and they’ve been living in a fairy tale ever since. It was a whirlwind romance that clocked in at about ten years to result in a wedding. What’s not to like about a handsome prince? Except, don’t think about that question too hard, because you’ll start to come up with answers.

It’s easy to assume that because I’m not married, or even in the realm of possibly being close to going on a date in public with someone, that jealousy abounds. To that I answer, ok, maybe. Maaaaaaybe I’m a little bit jealous that Kate Middleton goes to school and ends up being flat-mates with Prince Fucking William. The three roommates I was assigned to my freshman year used to lie about when they were eating at the dining commons so as not to share a meal with me. But Kate’s life is about to change in an epic way. It will change so dramatically that she has to take classes to prepare for it, have consultants, advisors, press secretaries, guards and everything else that happened in The Princess Diaries, except she won’t get to do any of it with Julie Andrews.

There was an article on Yahoo news that listed a few of the things that would be changing for Kate after she and the prince are married on the 29th of April. Some of them are minor, like, after she becomes a princess and or/a duchess should William be given a dukedom, she can’t vote or run for political office. No big deal. Who really intended for a woman to do those things anyway? It’s not like there was a giant women’s movement in England to fight for these rights like there was here in America. Oh, wait, I saw Mary Poppins, there totally was. Remember, women’s suffrage is one of the reasons the Banks family had to bring in Mary Poppins in the first place, played of course, by Julie Andrews.

After the wedding, she will henceforth be known as Her Royal Highness the Princess William of Wales, or Catherine. So, one title removes any trace of her old name, the other makes it seem like she’s constantly in trouble. AND! These are actual rules here, she’s never going to be served shellfish or hold a job. The hits just keep on coming. Her life will be a lily-white shadow of what it used to be. Nothing exciting can happen in this poor girl’s life (except becoming a princess). Controversy and adventure, a night of frivolity with her girlfriends, and all-you-can-eat crab legs are a thing of the past. A life of tight, crisp waves to obsessed housewives, teen girls, and gay men who wait to see her, is what she has to look forward to. There is a rule among royals and their guests that when the queen is done eating, so are you. If she places her fork down on the table, everyone else has to stop eating. So from here on out, this girl can’t even finish whatever beans or meat-pie dinner she’s been presented with. There is no Julie Andrews movie about this.

People say that there are always trade offs in any relationship. But this is different than most. Never being able to sign anything unofficial, go by your real name, get a job, vote, or finish a god-damned meal is a little more extreme than having to sit through Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps because that’s what your boyfriend wanted to watch.   There’s a big, BIG difference. 

Yes, this is a fairy tale story. A common girl catches the prince’s eye, they fall in love, get married and live happily ever after. Like princess Diana did. And Fergie. The Black Eyed Pea, NOT the former Duchess of York.  Does living happily ever after for female British royalty mean that they have to put a giant hat on their heads, a sensible suit or frock on their bodies, and a large piece of tape over their mouths? Truly only Catherine, her royal highness the princess William of Wales will know for sure. Until then, pass the shellfish, and make it quick, because I’m going to be late for work.

I saw this dress in the window of a boutique on my way home the other night. I think the place is called ‘Whence’ or ‘Whilst’ or ‘Mayhap’. This is one of those stores that has about six garments in it and two female employees who just loathe people. That kind of give-your-life-meaning loathing that’s so popular these days. The loathing that burns hotter than a thousand Blackberry screens. The infinite, cyclical loathing of frenemies. They correctly assume that you can’t afford anything in the joint and that you are there to either 1) shoplift or 2) annoy the unholy shit out of them by “just looking”.
Anyway, I couldn’t help but notice this nightmare. Do y’all see the flaps positioned oh-so-conveniently over the breasticles? Giant flaps. As a woman who owns some pretty sizable boobies, I can tell you that this dress is a joke. Anybody with a B-cup up will look like “Dolly Parton: The Inflatable Raft: The Movie”. Even if you are one of my bugbite sisters, do not purchase this abomination. Everyone will know what you’re up to. Not one living person will be fooled by these flaps; not even a man. Go get yourself one of those super low-cut tops that say, “Hey, I don’t have any boobies but have you seen my sternum?” That’s a hot look, for serious. And one I can never wear. Let me live vicariously through you, Kate Hudson-type. (God, I loathe her.)

I saw this dress in the window of a boutique on my way home the other night. I think the place is called ‘Whence’ or ‘Whilst’ or ‘Mayhap’. This is one of those stores that has about six garments in it and two female employees who just loathe people. That kind of give-your-life-meaning loathing that’s so popular these days. The loathing that burns hotter than a thousand Blackberry screens. The infinite, cyclical loathing of frenemies. They correctly assume that you can’t afford anything in the joint and that you are there to either 1) shoplift or 2) annoy the unholy shit out of them by “just looking”.

Anyway, I couldn’t help but notice this nightmare. Do y’all see the flaps positioned oh-so-conveniently over the breasticles? Giant flaps. As a woman who owns some pretty sizable boobies, I can tell you that this dress is a joke. Anybody with a B-cup up will look like “Dolly Parton: The Inflatable Raft: The Movie”. Even if you are one of my bugbite sisters, do not purchase this abomination. Everyone will know what you’re up to. Not one living person will be fooled by these flaps; not even a man. Go get yourself one of those super low-cut tops that say, “Hey, I don’t have any boobies but have you seen my sternum?” That’s a hot look, for serious. And one I can never wear. Let me live vicariously through you, Kate Hudson-type. (God, I loathe her.)

The inspiration for a feminist art movement and our latest post.  

The inspiration for a feminist art movement and our latest post.  

Commercial Success

Favorite commercial these days? Obviously it’s the one where the hip girl who has her period decides to deface the OLD, BORING, BLAND ad for MAXI PADS. So many fed up women rally around her with paint supplies and join in! They make it so hip! It really warms my heart. Never again will we be forced to live with bland feminine hygiene products.

The thing that makes me happiest is that she just gets off the bus and inspires this mob of women!  Completely impromptu.  I mean, think of what she could’ve done had she had time to plan or, dare I say, post and ad on Craigslist!  What we have to remember ladies can be summed up in five simple statements: 

1) Art is everywhere!  If you see something that you think needs fixing, just paint over it.  People will not arrest you or be mad about it.  They will HELP you.  

2) When you really think about it, EVERYTHING is your canvas.  You are entitled to create art around or over-top anything you like.

3)  If someone tries to stop you, don’t let them!  There are things they need to remember: firstly, you’re a WOMAN and you can do ANYTHING. Secondly, you have your period, so you’re invincible.  

4) Just DO something.  ANYTHING.  Be inspired.  By pads.  

5) Looks are everything.  Listen, I don’t care how these products work.  I don’t care how much they absorb.  I care how the packaging looks.  Is it cool?  If this accidentally fell out of my purse, would someone mistake it for a pack of super-cool gum?  Would they think I was awesome?  If the answer is yes, good!   If the answer is no, rethink your life choices.  All of them.  

In other words, get that pixie haircut, a giant pair of headphones, and for the love of God, (or whatever Deity you may or may not believe in) get some paint supplies, because you are about to be reborn.  

Live Your Life! 

The BabyMakers

Our first podcast! Guest starring Carol Doyle.

Babymakers plays the Chicago Improv Festival!